12.01.2005
I’ve erased her from almost all the lists I had her in and still my mind goes round and round and round still stopping on every corner to think of her. Might it be an obssession, might it really be love? She doesn’t care, why should I? I have not the courage to erase her completely. Even if someday I do, I am certain I will still have her phone in my memory and her email adress too. I am certain I will still call our common friends and ask, out of the bloom, how is she doing. I know that during one of my trips I will still have the nerve to write an email and tell her how much I miss her and wish she was with me. But the worse of all is knowing she will never do the same, is she will ignore the email. She doesn’t care, why should I?
Once or twice she’s given me hope. She’s responded the emails, she’s responded my call for help. I chickened out those times. Fear of not knowing it was true, my feelings for her, hers for me. Knowing she might have done it out pitty, out of temper, out of nothing better to do. She’s never written me an email out of her own good will, but she has always answered my calls saying it had been a long time, asking why didn’t I send her anything for that long. “Why should I if you never answer?” I always wanted to say, but all I could get out my mouth was a simple “I don’t know”. She nerver really cared, why should I believe it?
Calling her these days I get to see how much she never cared and still doesn’t. Though she is mostly alone she doen’t like it and when it hits her that she is, she remembers me. One of her sweetest emails came out of a day like that. Relationship with her boy finished she found herself sitting on a sofa and watching a film, all alone. The email came to me saying: “I rented movies today and I feel really sad. I’m wrapped around a blanket and I miss you. Why are you not here with me right now? Why do you have to be so far away?” I couldn’t answer that. If I did I would have ran home, just to make her and myself happy. Thinking I would, at least. Finding out when I would get here that she was really just plain lonely. She never really cared, why should she then?
We hooked up once and it seemed great, one day before I left the first time. “Experimentation” she said. She didn’t care even then, why would she ever?
Once or twice she’s given me hope. She’s responded the emails, she’s responded my call for help. I chickened out those times. Fear of not knowing it was true, my feelings for her, hers for me. Knowing she might have done it out pitty, out of temper, out of nothing better to do. She’s never written me an email out of her own good will, but she has always answered my calls saying it had been a long time, asking why didn’t I send her anything for that long. “Why should I if you never answer?” I always wanted to say, but all I could get out my mouth was a simple “I don’t know”. She nerver really cared, why should I believe it?
Calling her these days I get to see how much she never cared and still doesn’t. Though she is mostly alone she doen’t like it and when it hits her that she is, she remembers me. One of her sweetest emails came out of a day like that. Relationship with her boy finished she found herself sitting on a sofa and watching a film, all alone. The email came to me saying: “I rented movies today and I feel really sad. I’m wrapped around a blanket and I miss you. Why are you not here with me right now? Why do you have to be so far away?” I couldn’t answer that. If I did I would have ran home, just to make her and myself happy. Thinking I would, at least. Finding out when I would get here that she was really just plain lonely. She never really cared, why should she then?
We hooked up once and it seemed great, one day before I left the first time. “Experimentation” she said. She didn’t care even then, why would she ever?
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